Everything Meant Nothing

It Angie remembered the night everything changed between her and Philip. It was a cold September night, so cold that he gave her his jacket as they sat around the fire. It meant nothing she told herself. They had spent the entire night together, whispering sweet nothings to each other even though all their friends were around. It meant nothing she told herself. They sat next to each other all evening, her head resting on his shoulder and his hand lightly resting on her thigh. This touch meant nothing she told herself. But what she didn’t understand was how that silent touch made her feel so much, how nothing made her feel everything. When the night came to a close, Angie asked Philip to walk her to her car, and he followed her with no hesitation. It was dark outside and she wanted to feel safe, Philip made her feel safe. They walked down the beach side by side, their pinky fingers lightly brushing each other every so often. It meant nothing she thought to herself. They walked in silence, her drowning in her own thoughts and him, thinking about why Angie was so silent. Her car was in sight when the silence was finally broken. 

“Are you finally ready to tell me what’s been bothering you?” he asked her. 

“I don’t know what you mean” she turned toward him.

Truth was, Angie had been quiet all night, silently overthinking. She had been replaying last weekend in her head all night long, unable to escape back to reality. 

“Come on Angie I know you better than that, tell me what’s on your mind.” He looked down at her, begging to find out what she was thinking. She looked in his eyes, her mind traveling back to the other night. 

Angie had thrown a party at her house. Her mom was out of town on business, like she always is these days. Ever since Angie’s dad died, her mom is never really home, and when she is, she’s never truly present. So Angie invited a few friends over to have a little fun, she invited Philip. She had put on her prettiest dress for him, it was his favorite shade of blue. Her excitement and anticipation soon fizzled out when she watched him walk in with her. Embarrassment soon killed the excitement within seconds, like a tiny ant under a shoe, squashed. He had brought Abby, of course he had, she is his girlfriend Angie thought. Angie spent the night chatting with the two of them in a dress Philip loved, and she wondered if he had even noticed. It felt like the two of them were sharing a silent secret, something only the two of them knew, she loved the rush. Halfway through the night, Angie went into the kitchen to refill her drink. Philip followed her strides with his eyes, locking on the color of her dress, he loved that color. A few moments later, he followed her into the kitchen.

“Well hello there kiddo” 

Angie turned her head toward the sound of his voice. She giggled as he rounded the corner of the kitchen island to stand behind her. 

“Hi Philip, what do you want?” 

She turned her whole body around, dangerously close to touching his chest with her own. They looked at each other, a look that said so many words. And for the first time in his life, Philip felt brave that night. He couldn’t tell you why, maybe it was all the tequila he drank, or maybe it was the fleeting feeling he felt as he was leaving for college all the way across the world in only a couple of weeks. Either way, he felt confident and brave as he grabbed Angie’s drink from her hands and sipped on it as if it was his own. 

“You know how much I love you, Ang?” he asked her as he passed her drink back to her hands. Their fingers brushed in the process, as if they were two strings pulling together and rubbing up against each other, creating friction between the two of them. 

“And I love you, weirdo, stop looking at me like that” she fought back, refusing to hear his words. Their fingers instinctively dropped, as if the friction caught fire, burning and setting their hands aflame. 

“No like you are quite literally my favortie person on this fucked up planet, do you know that?” he pushed, leaning closer. As he leaned in, she leaned away. Slinking away from his passionate gaze. God, why was he pushing this? She wondered. I wish he would just let it fucking go. 

“You sure pretty miss Abby isn’t your favorite person? She is your girlfriend after all.” She answered, turning on her heel, racing to escape this suddenly tiny kitchen. But she couldn’t get out fast enough, he followed her footsteps and reached for her arm, trapping her in his web. Their eyes locked, and for about 0.5 seconds they both felt everything. 

She looked away, “Stop Philip, stop it right now” her voice became serious. 

He met her gaze, gripping her chin to force her eyes back towards his own. His eyes filled with regret. 

“I can’t stop, for some fucking reason I can’t stop, you make me feel things Angie, things she’s never made me feel” her mouth opened a little, a silent movement that showcased her utter shock. 

That’s what love feels like, you idiot. She thought to herself. But she knew she couldn’t say that aloud, Philip doesn’t know what love is, he isn’t capable of it. 

“You don’t know what you’re saying right now, you don’t mean any of this.” She loosens her arm from his grip, pulling them both out of his trance. But still, he kept his gaze on her, studying her face. He saw the regret in her eyes as well, he knew how she felt, he always had. She stared at him, his mouth opening just a fraction as if there was more he wanted to say. Studying his face, she felt like this was a dream. He reached down to touch her face, rubbing his rugged fingertips against her soft cheeks. 

“She will never be you.” he whispered, so quiet she barely heard his words. 

Tears brewed in her eyes, she blinked them away. She moved her hands across his face to touch his lips, sliding her fingers slowly across them, making sure his words were real, that she wasn't dreaming. Regret filled the space between them. Suddenly their bodies were inches apart, Philip pulling her in. His regret intertwined with hers. He held so much of it, regret of not kissing her sooner, regret of not telling her sooner, regret of almost four years of not being brave, regret and anger for not being with the only girl he truly loved. He leaned in, his lips brushing hers, ever so slightly. The touch was so light, she barely felt it, like it wasn’t real. He left trances of tequila on her lips, his warm breath suffocating her. 

“No” she pushed him back, she stood up taller. “You can do this when you’re sober if you truly mean it Philip, I don’t deserve this.” She walked away, the tears falling from her eyes. She walked back out into the living room. 

She felt that same empowerment once again as they returned to her car. She reached for her door handle, the two of them standing in the darkness, a distant street light illuminating their faces. She swung her body to full face him, taking him all in. 

“I’m tired of this Philip.” Confusion crosses Philip’s face, his head tilting down at her. 

“Tired of what?” 

“Tired of playing this game with you.” 

“What do you mean?”

“The game of ‘if we’ or ‘if we won’t’.” He stared at her blankly. She had to say something to get him to understand. 

“I am tired of waiting for you to choose me…” She felt the words recoil in her throat.

“Choose you? I don’t understand” 

“I have been standing in front of you all this time… have you not seen me?”

“I’m looking at you right now Angie, of course I see you.”

“God you don’t get it” She turns her back on him, for real this time, and begins to get in her car. 

“No, don’t walk away.” He grabs her arm, pulling her up to his chest. She immediately takes a step back. She couldn’t be that close to him, not right now. 

“Explain it to me. Help me understand what’s going on in your head, please” 

“Do you truly not know? Did last weekend mean nothing to you? Did your words mean nothing?” He stares at her, blank and empty. “I want you Philip. I have always wanted you. How can you not see that?” The truth burns her tongue.

“But you’re my best friend and I’m dating Abby” 

“It didn’t seem that way at my party” she snapped. 

He turned the lightest shade of red. She instantly regretted her cruel tone. 

“I know you are with her, Philip, trust me I know. But somewhere in the back of my mind I always thought one day you might see me as more…” she said more softly. Embarrassment flooded her cheeks and she wished she could just take it all back. She goes silent.

“Please don’t go quiet now” he whispered, reaching up to wipe away her tears. 

“No, forget I said anything, it doesn’t matter” she shook her head out of his hands. 

“There are tears in your eyes Angie, it obviously means something.” She didn't even realize she was crying. She quickly wiped away the silent tears, brushing them off her reddened cheeks. 

“I don’t want to have to explain to you Philip, I don’t want to have to beg you to love me”

“I do love you” 

“Not in the way I want you to.. For once I just want you to want me.”

“You want me to want you?”

“Yes” So badly, she thought, so badly it haunts me most nights.

“How long have you felt this way?” 

“Since the funeral” 

“That was 9 months ago!” Shock coating his voice. Philip remembered the funeral like it was yesterday, he remembered everything from that day. And the weeks after.

 Angie’s dad died during the winter of their junior year. The funeral was beautiful, Philip was there. So was everyone in the small town where they lived, but Angie didn’t see any of them that day, she only saw Philip. She remembered everything from that day; to what flowers were dressed on her father’s casket to the way her own mother couldn’t even meet her eye. She remembered everything. Halfway through the ceremony, she had walked out. It was during her mother’s eulogy, she remembered. Philip followed her outside, and he just held her for a while. The sharp rain stung them both, burning their skin. She remembered everything from that day, she remembered the way he looked down on her, like he had never seen something so fragile and small. He held her like they were the only two people in the world, burning together. She had never felt that kind of comfort before, how could he give her that comfort just to leave a few months later?

“I know…” she felt ashamed. Shame mixed with anger that he didn’t know sooner. 

“I’ve been with Abby for 6 months, why didn’t you tell me sooner?” 

“I didn’t think you’d want me” 

“Of course I’d want you”

“So you did mean what you said the other night, do you want me now?” her voice held so much hope. 

“I’m with Abby now, I love her” the words stung his tongue, he knew he was lying. I think of you sometimes when I am laying next to her, he thought to himself. Words he would never say aloud. Angie sat there, empty and blank. He so badly wanted to tell her more, anything to comfort her, but he just couldn’t get the words out, maybe he never would. 

“I’m sorry Angie” he reached to touch her. I’m sorry for not telling you I would’ve picked you a million times over, I’m sorry for myself because I wanted you so badly, I’m sorry for being so stupid and not seeing you sooner.

“No, don’t do that. Don’t you dare pity me” she took a step back. One step felt like three.

“I’m not pitying you Angie, I truly am sorry, for the both of us” 

“Will you ever leave her?” She looked up at him, tears began to quietly fall from her eyes, trying not to be seen. And at that moment he had never seen anything so sad. The prettiest girl he knew, tears cloudling her hazel eyes, making them appear green. He wanted to protect her from this pain, but as he continued to stare at her he realized he was the one causing her this pain. He was hurting her, he was who he was trying to protect her from. 

“Her and I are good for each other” I would only hurt you Angie. “She makes a better man, I love her” I will always love you, but I am not good for you. His intrusive thoughts suffocated him, the two of them stood there for a while, soaking in Philip’s words. The silence dragged Philip deeper and deeper into the hole he found himself in most days. 

A hole that had been there ever since he could remember. Ever since his dad began to scream at his mom. His parents used to be in love, Philip swears by it, but he can't really remember them ever happy. The fighting began at a young age, Philip would take his younger brother up to their treehouse in the backyard in the middle of the night. He would promise everything was going to be okay, he would stay up all night and hold his frightened brother. Promising himself he would never put either one of them in a situation like this ever again. As he grew up, the fighting got worse and more intense. One night after the yelling finally stopped, Philip went inside to check on his mom. He found her lying on the floor, unconscious, bruises covering her limp body. His parents got divorced that summer, Philip was thirteen. He has never forgotten the screams of his mother and the anger that lived in his father. There was so much passion in their yells, so much pain and so much feeling. That passion scared Philip, he didn’t trust it. He was afraid to feel anything because of how much he saw his parents feel for each other only to get hurt. So that’s why Philip never felt anything when Abby would yell at him, he didn’t let himself. He liked it this way. Abby was easy, he didn’t get butterflies when he saw her, he didn’t get angry when he saw other guys flirting with her, he didn’t feel anything towards her actually. But it was safer this way, he was keeping his promise. 

His thoughts were cut short when Angie finally absorbed his words and took one step closer to him. Even in this moment, in the pitch black night, he could still see every freckle on her face. 

“What if I told you I loved you? I am standing here right now asking you to choose me, I love you Philip. Could I ever change your mind?” 

“If I had known sooner maybe things would’ve worked, but now everything is different. I’m with someone else.” he couldn’t even bring himself to say her name. 

“So this is you choosing her? Are you taking back everything you told me?” 

“Why do I have to choose? You’re my best friend and she’s my girlfriend” he didn’t even acknowledge the words he spoke last weekend, too scared to admit them. 

“Because I can’t handle it if you choose us both, Philip, I can’t.” Please choose me. 

“Please Angie, I can’t lose you,” he replied. His short answer said so much. 

“I think you already did Philip” Six months ago you lost me. The second you walked in with her, you lost me. 

“Not yet, you're still here right?” He was still looking at her, she was still standing in front of him. She couldn’t be gone, not yet anyway. 

“Not for long, I’m getting tired of playing this game with you. You’re only being mean now.” 

“Mean?” he scoffed, such a childish word coming out of the lips of an adult.

“Yes, you are being mean. You want me when you can’t have me, you give me all your attention only when it is convenient for you. You keep me close because you cannot stand the idea of being alone, but the second something better comes along, you leave me behind. I am never your first choice and that’s what hurts the most, because you, you Philip, will always be my first choice.” 

Her words pained him and cut him deep inside. He felt something he had never felt before, he felt his own heart break. It felt like a sharp stabbing, suffocating pain. Her words wielding the knife that punctured his heart. He had always thought he wasn’t capable of this feeling. But now looking at his best friend standing in front of him, he felt something. He couldn’t quite put his finger on what exactly it was, but it was foreign and it hurt. He did know one thing, he didn’t like this feeling, he felt too vulnerable. He yearned for his familiar feeling of numbness to come back and wrap him tightly in its arms, anything to comfort him. But he came up short, the emptiness was gone when he looked at Angie. She made him feel more, she made him feel certain things. He never felt empty with her, instead he felt everything, even the pain. As he begged for that numbness to return, he was only welcomed by this unknown, painful feeling deep inside every bone of his body. He needed it out. 

“I don’t understand what you want from me Angie” His voice turned cold, and she watched as the emotion left his eyes, she watched as he turned numb right in front of her. 

“I want you to look me in the eye and choose; me or her” 

“Don’t make me do that, you’ll only be disappointed.” 

“Please” 

“Why?”

“For my sake, and for hers” She needed this pain to stop, this everlasting sorrow she felt every time she looked at him. Every time she watched him watch her. She needed it to end. 

“I’m sorry” His voice was so quiet she almost didn’t hear him. It was so quiet because they both knew it wasn’t the truth, but it was what they both needed. 

“Just tell me” 

“Her, I choose her” As soon as the words left his tongue his heartbreak faded into nothing, it rushed over his body like a familiar friend. 

“Okay” her reply was short and cold. 

“Okay?” 

“Okay”

“But we can still be friends right?” he pleaded.

She scoffed at him, a small laugh left her lips. And suddenly as she turned her gaze up at him, she truly saw him for who he was. The strong man she fell in love with years ago looked so small, and almost pathetic standing in front of her now. And suddenly she no longer felt at home in his presence, he looked like a stranger. 

“We haven’t been friends for a long time, I cannot keep pretending” 

“So this is it for us? You’re just walking away?” 

“There is no us” Not even a hope. Their gaze locked, both begging each other on some level to say anything to save this, to save them. But as they watched each other, they both saw two scared kids, unable to fight anymore. So instead he wrapped her into his arms,  and she clutched his chest, soaking in his scent. As he held her in his arms that night, she realized that his touch no longer felt comforting. But instead it felt unknown and pitiful. Like a foolish game where he held the rulebook and she went in blind. They stood there for a while and it felt like a goodbye. He pulled away first, gently brushing his lips against the top of her head. She scoffed at this action, such a cruel, billeting action. Her wet tears stained his shirt. When he got home that night, Abby would ask what happened. He would sit there and lie to her face. He would feel no remorse when the words left his mouth, he would feel nothing, like usual. 

Angie got in her car, started the engine and watched in her review as she drove away from the only boy she’s ever loved. She felt relieved, relief with a deep undertone of resentment. She felt bitterness creep up and wrap itself tightly around her neck. But it brought her comfort, numbing her pain, the pain she had carried for so long, she was tired. She was tired of watching him with her, tired of wearing his favorite color only for him not to notice, tired of loving a boy so stupid. But most of all, she was tired of standing on the sidelines waiting to be chosen. This is not how love is supposed to feel. She thought to herself, love was supposed to be easy, simple but this, this was painful and treacherous. She couldn’t stand it anymore. She looked back at him through her mirror one last time before she drove off, the strongest boy she had ever known looked weak behind her, like a shadow of a person. There he was, standing in the darkness, head tilted down, he had never looked so ashamed. It meant nothing, all that meant nothing.